Life has already changed dramatically with pregnancy. You’re adapting to new physical challenges like a champ, learning a lot, caring for your health, and preparing your home for a new baby.
But one of the biggest turning points in your life is just ahead: motherhood. With all the concrete demands of pregnancy, it’s easy to neglect your emotional and mental preparation for this permanent shift. Wouldn’t it be great if we could slow down life for a little while to take it all in? Don’t worry; everyone who has children has faced uncertainty and wondered what it would be like.
Aren’t I supposed to feel, you know, nurturing and maternal?
You may be one of many women who feels weird about the identity of motherhood. That’s totally okay. When you consider the messages we absorb, many times unconsciously, about what women are “supposed to” do and feel, especially in a mother role, it’s easy to feel insecure and not quite know why. “Aren’t women just natural mothers?” you might think. “Why don’t I feel like one?”
The truth is many women take a long time to adjust to their new reality. It’s not easy to go from independent adult to prioritizing someone else literally all the time. It can make you feel like you’re losing part of yourself [1].
But I can't even grasp that I'm having a baby
Intellectually, you understand what’s happening, but your psyche desperately clings to your old life, not wanting to fully face reality. Because it’s scary! And it’s natural to be scared.
The fact is, you’ve made this adjustment many times already. When you went to college or started your first job, or moved to a new city, or even when you got married — all of these were transformations that brought new responsibilities, as well as loss. All of these positive events can nevertheless cause intrapersonal conflict (that is, internal battles) [2].
You may not even realize that you’re fighting an internal battle. Coming to that realization and working through your messy emotions and fears can help you feel more stable and combat or prevent postpartum depression.
Okay. How do I work through this?
The first step is to recognize and identify your feelings. You might feel sadness for what’s now in the past. You may feel anger, fear of the unknown, irritation, or even despair. It’s not always easy to identify and label our emotions, so sometimes it helps to talk to someone who knows you well, or to write out your thoughts and feelings in a diary [1].
Think about how pregnancy and the baby’s birth will change your life. What will you have to give up? What will you miss the most? Give yourself time to recognize and embrace these inevitable changes. Grieve the loss of anything that’s going away, even the tiny things. (If a tiny thing bothers you, it means it’s important to you.) Let yourself cry, hit a pillow, or scream. Use yoga or meditation to recenter yourself [1].
Then, make a plan. Think of how you can meet your needs in new, different ways. Talk to your partner, family, and close friends; they may have ideas or be able to help [1].
Going through this process will help you become more aware of motherhood and how it will impact you. It will help you release the negative emotions associated with it, and it’s scientifically proven to reduce stress and improve wellbeing [3].
