Don’t pressure your older child to look after the baby, share their toys, or give them things. Here’s why.
In many cultures, it is customary for older children to help with younger ones, to the point where they become second parents to them [1]. The temptation is even greater if the family is in a difficult situation, such as with single mothers, families with limited resources, or who work long hours. However, it’s not wise to give excessive responsibility to the older child. There are three main reasons behind this.
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Only parents are responsible for birthing and raising the baby, with all its challenges [2]. Even if the older child asks for a baby brother or sister, you have to avoid making them feel responsible for them.
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Every family member has a role to play. If a child becomes overwhelmed with tasks meant for adults, it may affect their development [3]. A child can end up having little time or energy to play, study, or interact with friends; this doesn’t mean they will necessarily do poorly in school or that their learning will be delayed. Many older children become more independent and successful than their peers [4]. But growing up too fast comes with a price. The child may start suppressing emotions or disconnecting from their own needs. In the future, this may have a psychological impact [3].
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Being their own person is the most important task for older siblings [1]. Ideally, everyone should find their particular strengths (without being limited by them); one may be an excellent student, the other an athlete, one likes to draw, and the other might enjoy singing. Respecting individual differences is essential to healthy relationships between siblings and within the family; the new baby’s characteristics will become evident with time. But at this time, while they adjust to the new baby, older children should be given the space to remain themselves, and not keep hearing things like “Be quiet, you’re big, and you have to behave”.
Letting your older child be a kid doesn’t mean keeping them away from the baby. They can help you bathe their sibling, choose their clothes, or play with them under your supervision. These actions can help lay the groundwork for their future relationship [5, 6]. Parents should also help older siblings understand they are not responsible for the baby’s emotions; it’s not their job to calm them down, and they should never feel guilty about their feelings. It’s a delicate balance, but you can do it!
