A new baby brings lots of joy into your life, but also a new kind of stress. There’s so much to do and so little time to do it! Yes, you’re used to your domestic life with your spouse or partner, but those routines that used to feel so established can get thrown out the window pretty quickly with the new sense of urgency in parenthood. Before you know it, you and your partner are snapping at each other over dirty dishes and piles of forgotten laundry.
What can you do to avoid burnout and boiling-over emotions? Plan ahead.
Make a list
First, make a to-do list of all chores, including the new ones to be added by having a new baby at home. Then, split the list in half. One week, you will do the first half, and your partner will do the second half. The next week, you’ll switch. Why do this? You will never be confused about who is doing what, and it’s less likely that something will slip through the cracks or that someone will assume the other is taking care of a certain chore.
Communicate
If you feel like you’re doing the bulk of the domestic labor, talk to your partner openly. Ask for help. Don’t make accusations or jump to conclusions. It’s hurtful and unhelpful to say things like “I’m always the one…” or “You’re just watching TV while I…” Rather than throw gasoline on a hot situation, make clear requests and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. More than likely, they’re happy to help if they know how [1].
Also be sure to appreciate your partner; say thank you. It’s a simple way to reduce tension. People are also happier to help out when they’re asked in a positive way and then thanked for their efforts [1].
Become aware of emotions
With tension comes a lot of guilt and shame. When you and your partner fight in front of baby and she picks up on your anger, you’ll feel even worse. Be aware of scolding one another or of raising your voices, especially in front of baby.
Remember that you’re both only human. You’re tired. Even if one of you is home with baby full time, it’s hard work.
On top of that, motherhood (and parenthood in general) comes with some difficult emotions as you adjust to life changes. There’s loss and frustration along with the good. Be gentle with yourself if you’re having one of those days where everything makes you want to cry. Just because you’re tired of changing diapers and rocking a screaming baby doesn’t mean you don’t love her [2]. These emotions are very common, but if low mood, anxiety, or irritability continues past the first 2 weeks after birth, gets worse, or you’re struggling to cope, talk to your doctor or midwife, as it can be a sign of postpartum depression. If you have thoughts of suicide or of harming yourself or your baby, get help right away: contact your doctor urgently, call your local emergency number, or go to the nearest emergency room.
Shame is irrational and unproductive. Feeling shame won’t make you a better parent or partner, and it won’t make you feel better. Remember that we all get tired, we all make mistakes, and having limitations doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. Shame can make you feel like a bad person, but remember that it’s a feeling, not the truth of your situation [2].
Manage your emotions
Whenever your inner critic begins to shame you for something you did or didn’t do, stop and notice what is going right. Notice the good in your situation.
When you and your partner argue over your new responsibilities — such as when one of you wants to go to the gym and the other is frustrated that they don’t get even a minute alone! — remember that it’s normal to have to adjust to parenting. Focus on the fact that you have a partner and co-parent who cares and who tries. Establish an honest dialogue, and practice compromises. Talk about giving each other a chance to rest and regroup without resentment [2].
Lastly, forget perfection. You will do your best in your current situation, and it is enough! If you need to rest your brain with some TV while you feed baby, do it! Acknowledge that you’re tired, breastfeeding can be uncomfortable, and baby is safe and loved and getting what she needs. Don’t beat yourself up for not focusing 100% on baby at all times [2].
