“Will I be a good parent?" This question torments many women and their partners as they think about having a baby. Such fears are usually unfounded. To be a good parent, you do not need to be a perfect person — you just need to love your baby, hold her close, notice when she needs something, take care of her. Everything else will be learned along the way. As baby grows, so will you.
If you are feeling worried about what kind of parent you will be here are two questions that you can ask yourself.
Do you think that having a baby will be able to solve some of your problems?
To get closer to your partner? To gain the respect of your parents and your in-laws? To not be left out of the mom club all your friends have joined? To have someone who thinks the world of you? Sometimes unconsciously, someone may think that having a child will change their life for the better [1].
And while there is indeed joy in motherhood, a baby almost never solves relational or self esteem issues. In fact, a new baby is often a stressor for relationships and a test of self-esteem. Babies require time, effort, and energy.
Why do expectations differ from reality? Most often, the reason is that people do not have a realistic idea of parenthood. Maybe they have a scene from a Hollywood movie of a cooing baby gazing lovingly up at mama and dada; maybe it’s of a child playing at the park and drinking coffee with other moms. Despite these picture perfect moments, which can and do happen, children and parenting almost always defy expectations. If mom is overly concerned with herself, she may fail to see her child as a separate being, not just an extension of herself [2].
Do not be alarmed if you have found yourself daydreaming of any of these scenarios. This does not mean that you will be a bad parent. But now is a good time to adjust your expectations: remind yourself that the child will not magically improve your life.
Are you ready to change your lifestyle for the sake of raising a child?
A child grows up happy and healthy if she has formed a strong attachment with her parents. For this to happen, parents must be present and attentive to baby. Of course, this does not mean you stop being yourself in order to take on the new role of mother. Nevertheless, parenthood requires that mom and dad give time, energy, sleep, money over to baby’s needs.
This can be a painful transition for many people. Sometimes, the realization that now you do not belong to yourself comes only after giving birth. To prepare yourself, start thinking about what this may look like now.
If you feel afraid to give up hobbies and personal time, do not rush to blame yourself. Our society is focused on personal and professional success and self-realization. Conflicting feelings do not mean that you are not capable of parenting. Just be aware that in our current reality, the need to take care of your child, to be close to her, to communicate with her, to protect her, may come into conflict with outside expectations at work, with friends and even with family [2]. It's perfectly normal to yearn for the loss of a part of yourself. This is part of the role change process. Allow yourself to grieve and think about how you can adapt to the new reality [3].
