It’s natural to want to cling to your baby after they are born. All you can think about is nurturing, protecting, and loving them. But sometimes, circumstances make it necessary for medical staff to separate you temporarily, to treat either you or the baby. Sometimes baby needs to stay at the hospital after you’re discharged, or you need to leave town while they are still breast- or bottle-feeding.
These situations can spark separation anxiety. But they’re not uncommon, and they don’t have to be worrisome.
Isn’t it very bad for a baby to be separated from their mother?
Physical contact and emotional intimacy with mama are very important for baby, especially in her first year. Touch, tenderness, and affection form the basis of baby’s attachment, which significantly affects her cognitive development. In the 1940s, the psychiatrist Rene Spitz found that infants hospitalized for three months without their mother or another caregiver become depressed. They stop smiling, sleep and eat poorly, and lose weight. The longer the separation, the more difficult it is for them to establish emotional connections with others in the future. Spitz called this phenomenon hospitalism [1].
This idea may scare you, but the fact that you’re even interested in reading about this topic suggests that your baby is not in danger of neglect! You are concerned about her and want to give her the best.
Think about Spitz’s discovery another way: infants are able to wait for their mother a long time--three months--before they become depressed. They are strong and resilient, adapting to their environment. A few hours or days of separation will not ruin them. You have years and years of togetherness ahead of you to nurture your relationship, and that is what counts.
Am I a bad mother?
Don’t judge yourself for circumstances you can’t control. “Good” or “bad” mother stereotypes are detrimental and don’t reflect the reality of life. And speaking of reality, the truth is baby needs a lot of sleep her first few days. She doesn’t have the time or energy to worry about where you are [2].
How do I cope with being away from my baby?
Evolutionarily, mothers are programmed to protect and care for their children. When their children are not around them, it’s like an internal alarm starts flashing. This is totally normal. When this happens, take some deep breaths and tell yourself the rational reasons for where baby is.
If baby is separated from you at the hospital, there are good reasons for this, and they are under the care of competent professionals who won’t let anything happen to baby. If you need to travel and leave them at home, your partner or another trusted adult is caring for your baby, as well as bonding with them to build more trusting relationships [2].
