One of the toughest conversations can be telling your partner you are pregnant when you had not planned to become pregnant, especially if starting a family is not something you’ve discussed yet. You may be nervous about his reaction. What if he’s angry, scared, or doesn’t even want to be a father? What if he runs away or refuses to acknowledge the pregnancy?
He’s not the only one surprised. You’re probably feeling anxious, scared, confused, and maybe even disappointed. This is normal: it’s a huge shock! Try not to panic, and be ready to share with your partner how you feel. Neither of you have to deal with the surprise alone.
The fact is, millions of parents have felt this particular shock and fear. At least one quarter of all pregnancies globally are unplanned [1, 2]. You can handle this, and we have some tips to help.
How do I even approach this conversation?
It’s best to do it in person. The only exception is if you’re worried for your safety. (We hope this is not the case, and that if it is, you will seek help from loved ones and from your local authorities).
In person, you can not only tell him the news with your words, but with your facial expressions, gestures, and other nonverbals that give a clearer picture of how you’re feeling. He also may not be able to find words to respond, as he may be flooded by emotions. Being together in person will let you sense how he’s feeling.
Do not start by saying, “I have bad news.” You don’t know that he’ll see it that way! Give him a chance to hear the news without setting up his emotional response. Also, be honest: don’t sugarcoat your own feelings. Lastly, don’t apologize. It takes two to tango, and this news belongs to you both.
How will he react?
He may react in any number of ways: excited, dumbfounded, terrified, overjoyed, angry, or he may even be in denial. Sometimes, it’s all of these at once. Don’t hold too tightly to his initial response. We all need time to adapt to a surprise. Don’t push him to form an opinion or plan when he only just learned the news.
What if he's angry?
Whatever your partner says, stay calm. You may need to revisit this conversation in a few hours or days, after all the emotions have subsided.
In any case, you should not tolerate disrespect or any threatening behavior. Protect and respect yourself. Hopefully, any anger your partner feels is temporary, but even if he doesn’t respond how you want him to, you can find a solution together if you are both respectful [3].
What if he wants an abortion?
No one can force you — legally or morally — to terminate a pregnancy if you don’t want to do so. It’s worth a conversation to find out why he doesn’t want to have the baby. Many men are afraid they don’t have enough money to support a child. Some are afraid the child is not theirs, or that they will be “stuck” raising the baby alone. In some situations, their desire to terminate the pregnancy has to do with insecurities, not rational concerns, and fears can manifest as anger [4].
Stay as calm as you can to figure out exactly what’s going on. Listen patiently. Try not to think or speak in terms of the child being solely yours, just because you are the pregnant parent. Also, know your partner has no right to claim ownership; a baby is not property [4].
Really define for yourself what you want. If you decide to keep the baby and leave the relationship, or vice versa, you have the right to do so, but make sure it’s your decision. Know that there are lots of ways to parent, including co-parenting with an ex-partner, and you can always seek the help of a family therapist or counselor, who can help design a peaceable solution that will work for all involved [5].
