Your family’s readiness for baby can impact her physical and emotional wellbeing. Just as a person has stages of development, so does a family (and this includes a couple). The stage where your baby joins you can make a huge difference in her first years, as well as your experience parenting her and the impact on your family.
“Having a child intensifies everything in a relationship,” Charles Winick tells WebMD [1]. Matthew Johnson writes in the Washington Post: “It seems obvious that adding a baby to a household is going to change its dynamics. And indeed, the arrival of children changes how couples interact. Parents often become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to the details of parenting” [2].
With that in mind, let’s explore the different stages of family development, the possible impact of having a baby at each stage, and strategies to strengthen your family [3].
Newly-married couple to childbearing stage
Ah, the honeymoon period. Most of us know this as a time of euphoria. It’s easy to ignore your partner’s faults, and your relationship still holds a lot of its initial idealism. Babies conceived in the honeymoon period are usually unscheduled pregnancies.
Couples at this stage may not be ready for how a baby places strain on their relationship and changes their lives dramatically. Mothers in particular experience loss in their other relationships and a feeling of disconnect from their friends and work life [2]. Fathers may be surprised by the change in their relationship dynamic and intimacy, feeling neglected or replaced [1, 2, 3]. These experiences in mom and dad can trickle down to baby, who feels the stress and tension [3].
Preschool age to school age
At this stage, the first child is aged three to twelve, and the parents have found a routine. If they have a new baby at this stage, the health of their marriage and their relationship with their first child has a huge impact on the new baby [3]. Winick says, “The very best thing you can give your child is a good relationship with your partner. It provides security, an example of how people get along and how to deal with conflict ... things that are good for a child to see” [1].
Depending on how you and your partner have negotiated your life as parents, this stage can be much easier on parents than the newly married stage. Conversely, if the marriage has suffered and not been given attention after your first baby, “[the] link between psychological and marital problems is strong enough that researchers have found that couples therapy is one of the most effective ways of treating depression and some other mental illnesses” [2]. A strong marriage will benefit you individually and your family as a whole.
Compromise and maturity
While the stages of family development continue through your child’s teenage years and her “launch” as an adult, the common refrain is a focus on communication, conflict resolution, compromise, and maturity [3].
At some point, whether as newlywed parents or parents of children ten years apart, you and your spouse will realize that you cannot live without each other, and will make concessions. Sometimes compromise evolves over time, and sometimes it’s precipitated by a crisis, but the best way forward is to prioritize your relationship, make intentional time for one another [1], and build your own model of family and marriage with your own rituals, traditions, and routines [3].
When your marriage and family are characterized by compromise and maturity, this is the most stable situation your new baby can join. Baby is not a “fix” for anything wrong in the relationship, but can be loved and nurtured selflessly.
Middle-age and retirement stage
As your children grow up, need their parents less, and launch into the world as adults, you as parents now have the opportunity to rebuild a marriage without children at home. This stage also includes family additions of your children’s spouses or children, the task of maintaining both individual and couple functioning, and coping with the death of loved ones [3].
These new challenges all test a marriage just like your earlier ones. Johnson says, “Some marriages do improve once the children leave the nest. In other cases, the successful launch of the children leads spouses to discover they have few shared interests and there’s nothing keeping them together” [2].
Conclusion
It’s important to be intentional about strengthening your partnered relationship at every stage. Time alone together is crucial, even if you have to schedule it. “The most important thing is to talk. The quality of a relationship can only be sustained if the couple shares fears and worries as well as positive feelings” [1].
A healthy marriage or partnered relationship creates a base stability and peace in the family. There is no guarantee that problems won’t arise, including conflict with your child as she makes her own choices and mistakes, but “[in] order to be more resilient, families need to achieve balance,” working on cohesion (being interdependent), flexibility, communication, and shared meaning [3].
