Something mysterious takes hold of people when they’re talking to a pregnant woman, and it makes them suddenly forget about personal boundaries! Everyone from acquaintances to friends to the receptionist at the dentist’s office starts telling you to sleep more, to avoid coffee, take more walks, or buy their favorite dietary supplement. This endless unsolicited advice can really wear you out.
Then there are the people who ask overly personal questions, or who share way too much about their own pregnancy — more than anyone ever wanted to know about their miscarriage, C-section, or placental abnormalities.
Why do people do this?
Many people make the incorrect assumption that just because you’re pregnant, you’re only thinking about pregnancy and the baby and motherhood 24/7. The truth is that your baby bump is making them think about pregnancy. They start reminiscing and recounting their own experiences, especially the ones that really stuck with them. Pregnancy is a pretty powerful symbol in our culture [1].
And so, their emotions take over. When they give you this advice or tell you that story, they’re not really logically deciding that you need to hear it. In fact, it’s much less about you than it is about them. It’s an opportunity for them to settle unresolved internal conflicts [1].
If you confront them and ask why they feel the need to tell you what to do, most will say they’re just trying to help. Those “helpful” people telling you their horrifying birth stories think “forewarned is forearmed”. But they’re really just absorbed in their own experiences. Those memories are so strong that they’re barely thinking about you or how you’ll receive their words. They may be genuinely surprised to learn that their comments scared, offended, or hurt you.
How am I supposed to react in these situations?
Don't be afraid to express yourself. If someone is telling you a story that you’re uncomfortable hearing, say so. You can say something like, “I appreciate your concern, and I know you’re trying to help, but your stories are making me anxious and I don’t want to hear any more”. If someone asks about your stretch marks or swollen legs, you can say, “Are you asking because that’s what happened to you?” [1].
Whenever you're bombarded with advice, remember that you don't have to follow it. You can listen, then pick and choose what’s actually valuable to you. You can respond to them with noncommittal answers like, “Thanks for the tip”, or “Thanks, but I don’t want to talk about that right now”. Most people will catch on that they should stop [1].
Lastly, know that once baby is born, the advice-givers will still swarm you, but with child-rearing tips. Get good at brushing them off now!
