As is the case with many things in life, we tend to look for a “perfect moment” to get pregnant. We hope that for one magical season of our lives, the stars will align: we’ll be physically and emotionally healthy, have our finances in order, be on top of work, and minimize all the distractions and everyday upsets.
The reality is there is no perfect time. Life is always unpredictable, and it’s hard — if not impossible — to have every area of life smooth sailing all at once. So how do you know it’s a good time, the time, to try to get pregnant? Stick to what’s most important.
Challenge anxiety
There are plenty of good reasons to postpone starting your family. Some concrete life situations, like a job that temporarily takes one partner out of state or recovery from a serious injury, make it more difficult to face the challenges of pregnancy and parenthood. There’s nothing wrong with deciding now’s not the time.
But for some people, anxiety is a driving force keeping them from taking their desired next step. Fear is driving the decision. Shaun Dreisbach researched fourteen common reasons women are afraid to get pregnant for Parents.com. Among everything from fear that delivery will be embarrassing to fear of hurting the baby by eating the wrong foods, the main takeaway is that many of our reasons for avoiding a desired pregnancy and becoming a parent are anxiety-fueled imaginings of disaster and discomfort [1].
Take the time to analyze your reasons for putting off trying to conceive. Determine whether they are sensible, concrete reasons or fear-based ones. Seek the support you need to push through the fear.
Consider your relationship
Marriage and long term partnerships can be challenging. The honeymoon period always gives way to a down-to-earth adjustment period where you must learn to live together as two whole people with different needs, feelings, and ideas. As couples live together, they learn to communicate and compromise.
When you have made it through the adjustment period to a mature, honest, and patient relationship characterized by open communication and trust, you are in a good place to think about starting your family. Notice we have said nothing about your age, your finances, your living arrangement, or any other factor people often focus on when determining whether “it’s time.” It’s far more important to consider the stability of your relationship and whether you can count on one another during what is guaranteed to be a stressful (if beautiful) experience.
Look at your expectations
Another opportunity for self-reflection is around your expectations for parenthood and for your child. It’s important to ask yourself whether you want to have a baby for the wrong reasons. This can be a touchy subject, but you should really think hard when you want to get pregnant for attention or validation from others, to get your own parents off your back, to increase your social status, or to “lock down” your partner.
You should also consider your expectations for your child. Your baby will grow into a child, then a teenager, then an adult, and the whole time, he or she will be their own person. You cannot control who they become. If your heart is open to this little person and curious to meet them and love them as they are, you are ready to bring a baby into your life.
Prioritize your health
It’s not uncommon to have trouble conceiving because of health factors. The Mayo Clinic advises women who want to become pregnant to maintain a healthy weight, avoid smoking and drinking alcohol, limit caffeine, avoid working night shifts if possible, and prevent or treat STIs. Conditions such as uterine or cervical abnormalities or menstruation problems will likely need medical treatment before conception is possible [2].
The National Institutes of Health advises men to investigate fertility issues as well. These can result either from problems with sperm formation or sperm transport, and can be affected by everything from diabetes to STIs to testicular blockages. While treatment is necessary for these conditions, a healthy lifestyle is also important to support fertility [3].
